are you interested in a loan from us sir?

Four years back I availed the offer from the Govt of Goa to pay me extra if I rid myself off their pay list (termed decently as voluntary retirement scheme),started a full time clinic to pretend that I am working, and had a more or less peaceful existence till the HDFC bank got hold of my telephone number.
The first call was quite innocuous.
Me: This is Dr. Raghunandan’s clinic. ( it was the morning hour and I was going through the news paper)
Bank: Sir, I am calling from HDFC bank. Are you interested in any loans from our bank sir?
Me: No thank you. I will get in touch with you if I need one. Thanks for calling. (these new banks are so very caring!)

The second call was two days later.
I was examining a patient who very innocently said that he had come to my clinic because all other dentists in Ponda were busy. (Your clinic is nice doctor. No need to wait!)
Bank: Sir I am calling from HDFC bank .I wanted to enquire if you are interested in any loans from us?
Me: some one called me from your bank recently .I have already told that I don’t need any for the present.
Bank: When will you need a loan sir?
Me: I hope that I will never need any loans from any bank. But by bad luck, if I need one I will contact you myself.
Bank: OK sir. Shall I call you next week? (she was hoping to pre-pone my bad luck)
Me: please do not call me again. I will call you if necessary.

The third was when I was exerting myself trying to locate the remaining pieces of a tooth (that I had broken while attempting to remove it) and dislodge it from the gums of an unfortunate patient who was more adventurous than the one mentioned above and had actually submitted himself for my treatment. My hands were gloved and my assistant held the receiver to my ear.
Bank: I am calling from HDFC bank sir.
Me: I do not understand why you people keep calling me again and again.
Bank: To enquire if you want a loan from us sir.
Me: I have already told you people half a dozen times that I do not need a loan and not to call me.
Bank: Sorry sir, but I never called you before sir.
Me: I don’t care who it was, but it was from your bank. I want you to take my number out of your calling list. I don’t want any more calls from HDFC bank.
Bank: I will do that sir. Sorry sir. We will not call you again.
Me: I will THANK YOU for that.

The fourth came in the afternoon at 2.45 PM. My prime siesta time. After falling asleep at 2.15, I had already woken twice, once to answer a perplexed man that I can’t help if he did not have power supply for the last two days (my number is 2312313, electricity dept 2312113) and second time to tell a person who kept the door bell pressed, (as politely as it was possible) that a fishbone lodged in between the teeth for the last FIFTEEN DAYS is NOT an emergency. I was trying to salvage what was left of my siesta.
Bank: I am calling from HDFC bank sir.
Me: why do you people keep pestering me?
Bank: Only to enquire about loan requirement sir.
Me: May I know your name?
Bank: HDFC bank sir.
Me: I said YOUR NAME?
BANK: Anita sir.
Me: Designation?
Bank: Sales executive sir.
Me: How many of you executives are there in your bank?
Bank: Six sir.
Me: I think that I have already answered SIXTY executives from HDFC bank and have very clearly told that I do not want to be called again. Do all of you understand English?
Bank: Ok sir I apologize for disturbing you sir. I will not call again.
Me: Not I. Say WE. Do you have a list from which you call numbers?
Bank: Yes sir.
Me: Do you have a red pen?
Bank: Yes sir.
Me: Take that pen and in very bold capital letters write-“not to call again” against my name. Ok?
Bank: But sir, I can’t write on the monitor screen.
Me: are you allowed to go out of the building?
Bank: yes sir. We are allowed.
Me: In that case please go out, find a big stone and BREAK your monitor screen. Do you understand what I mean?
Bank: Yes sir, sorry sir.

The most recent call was again when I was attending to a case, a child, whom we had to chase all over the clinic, waiting room and compound before getting him into the chair.
I had just managed to prise open his mouth keeping him pressed to the chair and he was trying to taste my fingers. I managed to get my fingers out with difficulty and answered the phone. The child ran out with relief. (reminding me of Vikram aur betal)
Bank: I am calling from HDFC bank sir.
Me: You have to be. I have not come across any other organization so adamant about harassing people.
Bank: I beg your pardon sir?
Me: I have already shouted at four of your colleagues and told them not to bother me.
Bank: Sorry sir. But we have to do our job sir.
Me: should I not do MY JOB at all?
Bank: I assure you sir. We will not call you again.
Me: I have already heard this dozens of times and do not have much breath left. Do you have any superiors?
Bank: Yes sir. My boss is there.
Me: I would like to talk to him.
Bank: Shall I give you his number sir?
Me: I do not intend calling your bank and paying for the call. I will speak to him now.
Bank: But sir, my boss is busy right now.
Me : If you can disturb others repeatedly when they are busy, I can disturb your boss when he is busy. I insist that I speak to him now.
(Gap of a minute.)
Bank: Sir my boss is with his superior. Can you call later?
Me: I don’t care if he is with finance minister. If you don’t connect to him now, I am coming there.
Bank: Please hold on sir.
(Another minute.)
Bank: Good morning sir. This is sales manager HDFC bank. Can I help you?
Me: I do not know even if god can help me. May I know what are your powers?
Bank: what is the amount sir? I am sure we can manage any amount sir. I will send one of our executives.
Me: Please don’t. I only want to know if you have the powers to take your sales executives off my back ?
Bank: well, what is the problem sir?
Me: The problem is that I am being pestered by your sales executives repeatedly and I am neither allowed to work nor allowed to sleep. I want to know if you can stop it?
Bank: Oh, you do not want the marketing calls. Have you de registered with *****?
Me: Since I never registered with whatever that***** is, why should I de register?
Bank: Once you deregister sir, you will not get any more calls.
Me: Since you are the one’s who have registered me, I demand that YOU deregister.
Bank: What is your number sir?
Me: For god’s sake, you have called me hundreds of times and again ask for my number?
Bank: Sorry sir, it is not there in MY system.
Me : (resigned to my fate) Take it down, drill it deep into all your systems but STOP THE BLOODY CALLS- 2312313. (I take a deep breath) I am sorry. I usually don’t speak like this.
Bank: Sorry for the inconvenience sir, you will not be troubled again. But, Are you sure that YOU DO NOT WANT ANY LOANS FROM US?

I am keeping my fingers crossed.
If you read “Goa police have detained a dentist from Ponda for throwing stones on a bank building and destroying property. Investigation is on” in the news papers, you know the dentist, the bank and the reason.